Worry

worry quakes through my heart and
keeps me awake
It’s not so bad to be aware of time and
the pull of memory
but the fear that memory alone would
be my consolation
brings a sick feeling into my throat and
threatens to choke
any trust I may have in Divine protection
or the breath of faith
it’s a fragile thing, the knowledge He rules
over a Kingdom
on earth as it is in heaven, the effortless
prayer we’re taught
and we beg for His will be done in a
perfect way
as it is where all is right and righteous
instead of this…
we wait the return to fix all that is broken
in the world
and all of the unfair and heartbreak
and constant loss
we stand shivering in a savage land
hunting for scraps
while the worry creeps in as it chides a
mocking testament
of our disbelief in the essential character
of a loving God
Is He good? Is He good? He may or
may not answer
the desperate human prayer of want
and justice as
we remember the words for these seasons
of all who love Him
working for the good in that foggy
heavenly realm
there’s no figuring it out no matter how
hard I try
even that makes me angry because
I don’t deserve
to know the lofty things my mind
cannot handle
He loves me and cares about what
worries me
in His gentle way, but then I hear one
of His flock
with a look of disgust rebuke that if I
don’t trust fully
then I should worry because it is
all I am
and my faith is weak, my faith is weak
and I know it
there’s no response but my soul confesses
the quiet rage
boiling within me because the privileged
servant of God
who inhales a self-satisfied certainty
has not lived
with the ache of my heart, unable to be
calmed by another’s
careless solicitation with appreciation for
wisdom shared
only God gives me the space to grieve
the rattling fear
He holds the tremble of my hands
and knows
these reasons why I feel the way I do,
cloaking in grace
the anxious mistrust I carry as a chosen
burden
because if I don’t worry, if I didn’t fear,
what exactly
then do I cherish on this dreadful
earthly plain?
when I’m ready I will hand over my burden
by drops
gathered and collected by The Most High
in a vessel
and He’ll explain it all at a later time
for the good
of me who loves him